Harmony in the Home: Understanding Couple Conflict
It is interesting how differently the sexes solve problems. I’ll generalize here, and I know there are always exceptions, but for the most part, guys work through difficulties one way, and gals do it another. Sometimes it’s an attachment issue that’s really at the heart. Let me explain about Harmony in the Home and understanding couple conflict today.
A fellow prefers to be alone while he thinks things out, controls his emotions, and he often needs to walk. A woman needs to be with someone as she thinks aloud- hashing a problem out by talking it out. She likes to face someone, usually sitting across from her, and making good eye contact.
These, seemingly opposing needs, can cause communication break down and add to difficulties, especially during couple conflict. Attachment can be harmed if these two styles aren’t respected.
I always advise husbands to take their walk in solitude, but to do one, simple thing: Tell your wife what you are doing. “Hon, I am going out walking for 20 minutes. I’ll be back and we’ll talk together.”
Don’t just storm out the door. You may know that you are going to cool down and think things through, but by leaving communication hanging, you give a message of abandonment. Abandonment communicates broken attachment , broken attachment leaves a person feeling mistrustful and alone.
A lady desires security and needs to know you are by her side. She is a nurturer of relationship, and by leaving her (even for just a bit), without telling her what you are doing, causes anxiety.
She is created to preserve and keep communication going, and is driven to restore matters of the heart. By assuring her of your return and commitment to talk things through with her, she will wait more patiently for you and will be at peace.
Ladies, your guy is a rescuer, a conqueror of problems, and a solution-finder. Before you begin to talk things through, you are better off stating the problem up front, first thing. Using this technique, deepens attachment.
He’s waiting to hear, in concrete terms, what needs fixing. You can then fill in the details, how you feel, your worries, and your suggested solutions. If you aren’t looking to have something solved, tell your man that precisely. “Dear, I’m not looking for you to fix this. I only want to talk it out and let you in on my brain and heart.” He’ll respond to that by listening to you, rather than actively trying to think of solutions.
Gentlemen, do your best to really listen and look your lady in the eyes; you are often masterly and succinct in summing up and zeroing in on what she expresses.
Ladies, you are gifted at keeping attachment healthy, and moving your marriage decisions forward. Be a good helpmate in the true sense of the word.
Working together, you are a perfect fit as designed by God. Each method of problem solving complements the other. When done right, deeper attachment is built into your relationship. Rejoice in your design, male and female!
I have put together a short video, two minutes tops-- on an effective way to look at conflict together so that you can solve an issue side by side rather than from opposing sides. Strengthening attachment in your relationship is not hard, only at times humbling as we step back and make room for our partner’s way of processing and dealing with conflict.
Attachment in marriage can happen with simple steps. What step can you take today to bring harmony into your home?